Title of Publication: Drumbeat
Author: A. M. Leibowitz
Date of Publication: September 1, 2018
eBook ISBN: 978-1-944591-78-6
print ISBN: 978-1-944591-51-9
Series: Yes, Notes from Boston #3 - Standalone
Contact Information: publisher@supposedcrimes.com
Category: LGBTQ Literature, Gay Romance
Summary:
Jamie Cosgrove is doing his best to recover from a break-up after years with an abusive boyfriend. All his usual coping strategies have failed, and he’s fallen back on things that make him feel safe: drumming, food, and his friend Trevor. The trouble is, two of those are still secrets, even from those closest to him.
Cian Toomey has it all. He has loving relationships with his partners and a fulfilling, creative career. The one thing he’s missing is someone to go home to at night. When sudden changes occur at one of his jobs, he’s faced with a choice to find something new or move in with his partners in a different city.
Well-meaning but pushy friends seem to think Cian and Jamie are the answers to each other’s prayers. They couldn’t disagree more. A series of random events thrusts them into each other’s lives, and they find they have more in common than they thought. But when all of Jamie’s carefully constructed walls crumble at once, both of them will have to depend on the support of their friends and family to strengthen their fragile bond.
Praise for previous novels by A. M. Leibowitz:
"I love, love, love characters who are different, think differently, do differently. LOVE them. And Cat is quite possibly the most unique male lead I've come across. He is, in his own words, queer." - Divine Magazine reviewing 2017 Rainbow Awards Runner up Walking by Faith, Best Gay Contemporary Fiction
"This isn't your typical M/M romance fare, and I was glad for it." - Sandra ... "There is nothing accidental in this novel. Every thread leads somewhere, and it all culminates in a grand crescendo." - Debbie McGowan reviewing Nightsong (Notes from Boston #2)
“This book was great. I loved the characters and their situation, and I loved how it ends. I don’t read very many books with bisexual characters so this was a refreshing and welcome change for me.” JJ of Love Bytes reviewing Anthem (Notes from Boston #1)
Excerpt:
An angry face. Something heavy, Jamie couldn’t see what it was. The man swung but missed. Jamie yelled over his shoulder, “Mama, go!” She didn’t move, but neither did Jamie, staying in between her and the man. Jamie shouted at her again. He said he’d find her. She turned and fled. The man lunged, and his whole face changed, morphing into a monster with endless teeth. His mouth opened wide, wider…
Jamie sat bolt upright, his heart racing and his lungs heaving. He tried to shake off the dream while simultaneously puzzling out where he was and what had woken him. The days all ran together since walking in on Mack and giving in to another binge. After his blackout the other night, he didn’t know how much time had passed outside work; he tried to avoid thinking about it.
He blinked and looked around at the darkening apartment, trying to remember. Right. He’d fallen asleep on the couch after returning from his lunch shift. His gaze landed on his phone, which vibrated against the coffee table one last time. That must have been what roused him. He picked it up and instantly wished he hadn’t.
Sage.
Why he hadn’t blocked the number was beyond him. He should have, especially since he’d meant it to be for good this time. At the very least, he should’ve blocked it when the phone calls started a few weeks back.
Always before when they’d broken up, they’d been back together within six weeks. It had now been nearly five months, and so far, Jamie’s resolve had remained firm. He hadn’t returned any of Sage’s phone calls, and he hadn’t contacted him. He could do this, managing on his own. He didn’t need Sage.
Except when he did, like now. The dream had rattled him, and Jamie pulled the thin afghan around his shoulders. It happened sometimes, the nightmares of getting away from Mama’s—what number boyfriend was it again? More than five, less than ten. Jamie had lost count. That man was the only one who ever hit Mama. They’d planned their escape for weeks, and even so, he’d nearly caught them. Jamie was lucky he got out with only a black eye and a few bruised ribs.
He’d looked for Mama for ages after that, but no one would tell him where she’d gone. She’d been too afraid to give him her whole plan just in case something slipped. Months of searching for her, then searching for his father. Surviving any way he could until he got to the Lighthouse, so sick he could hardly stand and afraid it was more than just the flu. He was damn lucky it wasn’t.
Only Sage knew all of it. He was there many nights when Jamie woke, drenched in sweat from reliving the terror of that time. He knew and didn’t judge, just held Jamie until he stopped shaking. Sage wasn’t the same kind of monster. He’d never hit Jamie, no matter what the others thought he was capable of. Even that last time, he’d shoved Jamie, but Jamie had pushed him, too. If he’d ever beaten him, Jamie would’ve been out the door sooner. Or so he liked to think.
That kind of violence wasn’t Sage’s way. Everything he did was softer, gentler. The kind of thing that lulls a person into feeling secure. Even when he touched Jamie in ways that made him uncomfortable, it was always that same tenderness, almost a vulnerability. All fake. Jamie had nightmares about that too.
He didn’t call it assault. He’d worked with a man back when they were in the web series together. The guy had been raped more than once—twice by men and once by a woman. He’d said the first time was violent and painful. The second time, he was too drunk to remember anything but waking up to it. The third time, she’d given him an uninvited blow job. Jamie hadn’t even known that was possible. In the end, Jamie’s friend had said the only time he felt safe having sex was on camera where there was someone to watch and keep it under control.
Then there was Sage. With him, there were no harsh, jagged edges or force. He’d never held Jamie down or attacked him. Never hit him or threatened him. He’d whispered beautiful, cruel things, gently touching him even when Jamie tried to pull away. Sage had kept it all so painfully sweet, wrapping Jamie in his arms and doing what he wanted until Jamie gave in and pretended he was into it until it was over. No bruises. No blood. Nothing violent or angry. Jamie couldn’t count that. Not when he’d been awake and sober and hadn’t said no. Not when there were countless times he said yes. Not when afterward, there were whispered reminders Sage was the only one who truly loved him. Every couple had times like that, right?
Jamie missed Sage even though doing so made him feel guilty. He hadn’t realized he was almost crying, clutching his phone so tightly it hurt. The pain brought him back to his senses. That was what he needed—something to remind him why he stayed away from Sage. He rose from the couch, shedding the afghan, and padded to the kitchen.
He opened cupboard doors, looking for food. After the other night, he had hardly anything left under his bed, but he figured there had to be something out here. He was trying, he really was. He hadn’t gone out to buy anything new. If he ate their shared food, maybe he wouldn’t overdo it this time. He finally found a bag of popcorn kernels. Perfect. If any of the others showed up, he would have a believable excuse. They wouldn’t question what he was doing. It was a good compromise too. He could eat it without a whole lot of guilt; it wasn’t dense or heavy, and it would take a lot before it made him sick.
In no time, Jamie was back on the couch with the bowl next to him. He flipped on the television and found something to watch. Whatever it was didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but he didn’t care. It was good enough, and he settled in.
Jamie wasn’t paying much attention to the movie or to what he was doing aside from that. The movie was nearly over—and still not making any sense—when he heard voices in the hallway. A moment later, Nate and Trevor tumbled in, laughing about something. Trevor kicked the door shut and set a bag on the kitchen table. Jamie turned to look at them. Nate waved and ducked into the bathroom.
“God, it smells fantastic in here,” Trevor said. “Ooh, Jay, did you make popcorn?”
“Uh…yeah.” Jamie looked down at the empty bowl and thought about the half bag of kernels he’d popped. He’d been too busy going over every detail of Sage’s messages and had barely noticed that he’d eaten all of it. Somehow, it was both enough and not at the same time. An embarrassed prickle crept up his neck at the thought.
“I can make more.”
“Cool.” Trevor took a couple of containers out and put them in the fridge. “Marlie sent some stuff. Homemade soup of some kind.”
“What are you guys doing here, anyway?” Jamie was sure he sounded as grouchy as he felt in spite of the seed of warmth at Marlie’s caring. He’d been enjoying having some space.
“Andre’s home, bonding with the baby. I had a date with Marlie, and now she’s out seeing some chick flick with Nia. Apparently, they’re bonding too.” Trevor sounded tense. “Izzy’s doing…something, I can’t remember what, so Nate asked if I wanted to hang out here.”
“Oh.”
Jamie stood and returned to the kitchen to make more popcorn. He thought it really might make him sick if he ate any more, mostly because of the interruption and the fear they’d find out what he did on bad days. He didn’t know how he would explain it to them. They wouldn’t understand. Jamie didn’t understand it himself. Why couldn’t he do what he’d promised Mack? He’d said he could stop, that being away from Sage would make it easier. Only it didn’t, and his friends wouldn’t get it. Mack would be upset and disappointed in him. Trevor and Nate would be confused and worried. Sage had said as much before, and he was surely right.
“You okay?” Trevor asked, nudging Jamie with his shoulder.
Jamie swallowed. He didn’t know how to answer that. He glanced into the living room at his phone on the coffee table. Sage. The dream. His conflicted feelings about being in the same space with Trevor. It was more than Jamie wanted to talk about right then.
“I’m fine. Long shift, though.”
“Diners still giving you shit?”
“Nah. Just busy. There was some business lunch there.” He grinned, hoping to put Trevor off the scent. “You know, men in suits—lots of eye candy.”
Laughing, Trevor squeezed his shoulder on the way past into the living room. Jamie swore he could still feel the press of Trevor’s fingers long after he let go. He tracked Trevor’s motions, envious and a little turned on by how comfortable he seemed in his thick, gorgeous body. It made Jamie feel hollow, and he thought about taking his phone into the bedroom and returning Sage’s call. Sage would know better than Jamie what to do. He would talk Jamie out of these intense feelings for Trevor and whatever it was Jamie was thinking of doing about them.
Jamie gripped the counter. No. He was better than this. He wouldn’t call Sage, no matter what. He would manage his problems himself. If he could be strong enough to leave Sage for good, he could be strong enough to eat properly and wrangle his crush on Trevor back into submission. In the morning, he would start over.
“Hey,” he called into the living room. “Butter and salt?”
“Yeah, but not too much, okay?” Trevor answered. “I don’t like it too salty.”
“You got it,” Jamie said.
4.5 stars
This was a first-time author for me and all I can say is WOW. This book was very different than I expected it to be. It packed so much emotion and had many difficult topics that made me just feel while reading this. I loved the diversity in people and relationships in this book. It is nice to see a book celebrating relationships that are outside of what some people consider the norm.
I will say that I do wish I read the first two books in this series. While I still enjoyed this book even without reading the other two, I think it would have been easier to understand the side characters and the MCs pasts better if I had read them. There are references made in this book that would have definitely helped me if I could have seen them in the previous books.
I would warn readers that this is not your typical romance. It challenges the reader to think outside of the box and understand the characters even though they might not be completely easy to understand. Jamie's insecurities were hard to read about and I feel like there is so much more to explore between him and Cian! And him and Trevor. I loved the different relationship dynamics in this book and how much it celebrates love, life and family diversity. I am eager for another book in this series where maybe we get Mack and Amelia with someone else and also get some hints of everyone else from the previous books!
*** Copy provided to Bayou Book Junkie for my reading pleasure, a review wasn't a requirement. ***
About A. M. Leibowitz:
A.M. Leibowitz is a queer spouse, parent, feminist, and book-lover falling somewhere on the Geek-Nerd Spectrum. They keep warm through the long, cold western New York winters by writing about life, relationships, hope, and happy-for-now endings. Their published fiction includes several novels as well as a number of short works, and their stories have been included in multiple anthologies.
In between noveling and editing, they blog coffee-fueled, quirky commentary on faith, culture, writing, books, and their family at amleibowitz.com.
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